Accepting the Self
Establishing Values through NLP
“Many people know what they want to have - few what they want to be.”
Remember – it is our values that keep us in the present.
1. Ask yourself this question:
“What is most important about who I am?”
Try to keep your answers as brief as possible, ideally to one or a few words.
2. Then prioritise your answers in order from 1 (highest) to whatever. This might give a list as follows:
No. 1 Being one with the universeThe Squirm Question:
No. 2 Being honest
No. 3 Being loved
No. 4 Being with friends
No. 5 Having integrity
No. 6 Helping others
3. Ask yourself the question:
“If I could have Priority answer No. 1, but NOT HAVE No. 2, would that be ok?
4. If the answer is YES, then you have that order right, but if NO, then swap the priority in your hierarchy around, making No. 2 into No. 1. Carry on asking questions accordingly, i.e. if I could have answer No. 1, BUT NOT No. 3, would that be OK? Then repeat with No. 2 until that value has been compared to all the values below it. Then value No. 3 with those below, etc. etc.
5. You may find that you have some difficulty in doing this exercise, and that you really have to take time to think about the answers to some of the squirm questions. This could be important information to you – notice how you feel about it, and what it is that causes the difficulty.
6. Incidentally this type of questioning (what is most important to
me - A or B) can be applied to any aspects of your life – or whole
series of aspects!
Are there any conflicts in your priorities?
7. In addition, you may be surprised to find out that values that you thought were important to you are not actually as high up on your list as you thought that they were, e.g. you may say 'Helping Others' is important to you, and often felt vaguely guilty that you did not do more charity work. On doing this exercise, you may have found that in fact it was not as high on your list as 'Being with Friends' – hence the lack of charity work. There is a conflict between your espoused
values and your lived
values, and you will need to work this out.
8. There are differences between an “ends” value and a “means” value. An “ends” value is an ultimate state or goal (such as being happy or fulfilled) whilst a “means” value (e.g. having money or security) are the ways of getting to an end value. Problems happen if “means” type values are above “ends” values in your hierarchy – because you will never get to your ends.
9. If you are working towards one value, you may be moving away from another, e.g.
- being a free and independent spirit
- having a secure committed relationship.
Such apparent inconsistencies will cause internal conflict.
10. Do you have a balance between ‘self’ orientated values (e.g. being happy) and ‘other’ orientated values (e.g. helping others)? Some values involve both, e.g. raising a family although at times it might be easy to forget the self aspect in this one!
11. Some values can cause a double-bind or paradox. A value of “accepting myself just the way I am” might cause confusion and conflict when you are physically unwell.
12. As a general rule, the higher up the hierarchy a value is, the more abstract it is likely to be. If this is not the case, and your highest priority is “Being a Company Executive” or “Having a successful business” – how are you going to feel if you get the sack or your company goes bankrupt? Clearly, you will be opening yourself up to a great deal of pain.
A few more questions to think about:
Think about your list, and ask yourself the following questions:
13. What do my values need to be in order to be aligned with who I am?
14. Do I need to add any other values to the list - or eliminate any?
15. What do my values need to be in order that I can be all that I can be?
16. What benefits do I get from having this particular value in this position in my value hierarchy?
Establishing your rules
17. Ask yourself the following question about your values -
“What has to happen in order for me to feel value No. 1?
18. For example, if value No. 1 is “peacefulness”, your rules for getting this could be:
My wife must not be in a bad mood.
I must have had a good day at work.
I must have a good evening meal.
The children must be behaving well.
There must be something decent on TV.
19. Now think – how easy is it to actually satisfy your rules and get what you want? In the above case, to simultaneously satisfy all those rules might be a near impossibility, and so “peacefulness” can never be achieved.
20. Are your Rules simple? How many of them (per value) have you got? Do any of them conflict?
21. Are the values in your life still appropriate for who you have become? You may be carrying a value from your past/parents/previous circumstances that are no longer of any use or benefit to you. Be open to question the usefulness of your values, and if a value no longer has a benefit, get rid of it or replace it with a more useful value instead.
22. Do you have numerous ways to truly feel good – the more you have, the happier you will be.
23. Is it possible for you to meet your rules in many different situations and circumstances – if so, you will have may more chances to feel satisfied.
24. Identify any new ways or better rules that you can use instead of the ones that you have identified, in order to give you more chance for happiness.
25. So, the aim is make your rules framed in the positive, e.g.
“Whenever I ... see a bird ... then I will feel part of the universe.”
“Whenever I ... am in my home ... then I will be at peace.”
26. Write out your values and your rules and stick them up around your home, where your conscious or sub-conscious will constantly pick them up.
27. Tell other people what they are.
28. If a rule isn’t working - CHANGE IT!
29. Do not expect others to abide by your rules and values if they do not know what your rules and values are.
30. NOTICE and KEEP ON NOTICING the changes to you and your life that come from knowing what your values and rules are.
31. If you have an upset with someone because of a value or a rule, ask yourself this question:
“What is most important - the relationship or the rule?”
32. SIMPLIFY and continue to simplify your rules.