There are three parts to these notes:

Values are words which embody what is important to us. They are complex and intangible higher-level functions and are intimately linked to our beliefs about what is good and bad, right and wrong.  Our values guide our every decision and the satisfaction or violation of them can produce strong emotional reactions. They can be defined as:


We can have moving towards values which, when satisfied, bring us pleasure and moving away from values which attempt to keep us from feeling pain.


When we are operating out of our highest values we experience congruence and a sense of satisfaction.  We like people who share our values and often have strong reactions to people who don’t.

When we experience conflicting values it creates a dilemma and incongruence.  Values can conflict at the same time (ie. simultaneously “should I do this or should I do that”) or over time (ie. sequentially “I know I really shouldn’t have done it”).  Arguments and disagreements are almost always associated with people having conflicting values.

While our values are usually out of our awareness we constantly express them through our language and indicating which are the most important through our behaviour.  The simplest way to discover someone's values is to ask:

    •    What is important to you about [topic]?
    •    What do you want in/out of [topic]?
    •    What would having [topic] do for you?

When someone expresses an important value, that word will represent a whole set of experiences and emotions. Therefore it is important that you honour that person’s experience by using their exact value words. If they say ‘honesty’ then be respectful by using their word ‘honesty’ rather than ‘openness’ or ‘trustworthy’ even if it means the same thing to you.

Our values can change when we commit to new outcomes, make decisions to live to a higher standard, and when we change our self-image.


Who Rules the Roost?

While values have an intangible quality to them, the rules* by which they get satisfied or violated are often very tangible! If you want ‘reliability’ in a postal service, does that mean that if just one letter goes astray they are unreliable or if the odd letter goes missing who cares?


Rules are not about ‘reality’, they are about our experience of reality - and everyone’s experience is different. This is why you cannot assume you know what will satisfy someone else’s values.  You may think staying late shows dedication, they may think dedication is getting their work done by five o’clock.

You can identify your own rules (or someone else’s) by asking:


Rules are not necessarily logical, they are emotional!

Therefore they are not to be argued with. Rather than attempt to change them by rational persuasion it more productive to influence a person’s rules by changing what they mean. This is called Reframing.

Rules can either disempower or empower us. Here’s how:


                               
e.g.    I’ll feel job satisfaction:



NOTES

* Rules were originally known as 'behavioural or complex equivalents' in NLP.

Much of this article was adapted from Anthony Robbins, Awaken the Giant Within (Simon & Schuster, 1992)