Clean Conversations:
Remaining Clean-ish in everyday settings
Penny Tompkins and James Lawley
Working DefinitionA
clean conversation is a dialogue that clearly expresses your intention while at the same time gives the other person the maximum opportunity to answer or respond without the imposition of your metaphors and assumptions.
A clean conversation differs from the use of Clean Language in a therapeutic setting because:
- you have an intention to achieve something for yourself through the conversation; and
- it operates in a ‘real world’ setting where it is possible to presuppose far more than in a Metaphor Landscape.
For example, in a clean conversation we can presuppose the laws of physics apply in a way we cannot in a Metaphor Landscape.
In an everyday setting it is clean-ish for:
A policeman to ask - “Who was driving the car?” on the presupposition that the car wasn’t driving itself.
A person to ask their spouse - “What do you want for dinner tonight?” when they are about to start cooking the evening meal.
We will use the term ‘clean-ish’ when (given the context and intention of the speaker) the communication is towards the clean end of the clean continuum. Clean-ish is deliberately not a precise term.
The Clean Continuum‘Clean’ is a continuum. Philip Harland once suggested it ran from 'pristine' to 'filthy' with 'grimy' somewhere in between. In
‘
Whose map is it anyway?’ Phil Swallow and Wendy Sullivan suggest that
the continuum runs from 100% of the client’s map to 100% of the
facilitator’s map. A waiter saying “Would you like anything else, sir?” is cleaner than “Can I get you a dessert?” because it leaves the customer freer to specify what they would like, without having to consider whether they want a dessert at all.
Whether a
question or
statement is clean depends on the language used in the context. Whether a
conversation is clean also depends on the intention of the speaker. It is possible to ask perfectly clean questions with the intention to manipulate.
Which of the following are more or less clean?:
I think you should consider it.
Have you considered it?
I’d like/want you to consider it.
Would/could/can you consider it?
You should/must/have to/need to consider it.
You may/can/might consider it.
If I were you, I would consider it.
If you don’t consider it you’ll be sorry.
To remain towards the clean-ish end on the continuum it is not necessary to overtly state your intention, but it should be obvious from what you say. For example
A: “What are you doing tomorrow?”
is a fairly clean everyday question. It would form part of a Clean Conversation provided the questioner’s intention is simple curiosity about the person’s actions tomorrow. However, let’s assume the conversation continues,
B: “Oh nothing.”
A: “Good, then you can take me to the doctor.”
In this case, although A’s original question was clean-ish their intention was not clear and therefore this is not a clean conversation. To have made it a reasonably Clean Conversation, ‘A’ would have needed to begin by saying:
A: “I need to go to the doctor’s tomorrow. Would you be willing to take me?”
The degree to which a communication is clean always depends on the context and the accompanying nonverbals, such as voice tone and facial expression. These are, however, not easy to describe on paper.
A clean conversation is not about the goodness or the value of what is said, rather, as the definition implies, it is about two things:
1. Acknowledging and working within another person’s logical and metaphorical constructs. This requires you to set aside your own metaphors and perceptual space while you are discussing their views, e.g.
A person states “I understand your proposal perfectly.” Rather than replying “Great, it’s nice to have you on board,” it’s cleaner to say “I’m pleased you understand, and what is your opinion of my proposal?”.
A clean-ish reply to the statement “I think I’m going to have to go down with my ship” might be “Would you like some ideas about staying afloat, captain?”.
2. Making your intention clear (sometimes called ‘being straight’) e.g.
Saying “I want to get this done my way and I’m not interested in your ideas. Will you help me?” is clean even if it is autocratic.
Saying to your partner “I want a quiet night in” when you have secretly organised a surprise party for them is far from clean.
Manipulation is keeping your intention hidden — even if it’s in another’s best interest!
And remember....A clean conversation only requires one of the parties to maintain an intention to relate to the other in a clean-ish way.
‘Clean’ is not the same as ‘soft’. Softeners are words and phrases which make it easier for the listener to hear your opinion. They take the edge off of a potentially unpalatable point. “Would you mind considering a contribution to this worthy cause?” is softer than “I’d appreciate you making a donation,” but it is not as clean.
‘Clean’ is not the same as ‘open’. In fact there are four variations:
Clean
and
Open
|
Clean
and
Closed
|
Not clean
and
Open
|
Not clean
and
Closed
|
Characteristics of a Clean Conversation:Being clean in everyday conversations requires a high degree of self-awareness. To hold a Clean Conversation you need to be able to:
1.
Maintain a meta position during the conversation.
Being clean-ish is an active process that requires a constant vigilance to prevent the default tendency to impose a perspective. Cleanness requires a conscious desire to remain clean throughout the conversation.
2.
Make your internal context explicit.
This includes your intention, the source of the content and the background to your thinking. To do this you must know your intention, the source and the background in the moment; and be able and willing to express them clearly.
3.
Align your metaphors and perceptual space with theirs.
You will need to: be aware when you/they are using conceptual, sensory or symbolic language; listen for their embedded/implicit metaphors; make your gestures and Lines of Sight congruent with their perceptual space.
4.
Recognise and reference background logic in your and their statements.
This includes presupposition, assumption, entailments, inherent logic [see below].
5.
Recognise and keep perceivers separate (especially yours and theirs).6.
Have clear distinctions between:
| Who it is for |
You/Them/Both of you/Others [see below] |
| What it is for |
Change/Modelling |
What kind of information
|
What you observe/everything else
Sensory description/everything else
Opinion/everything else |
Example
A. “Oh, the rubbish is piling up.”
Some possible intentions of A:
i. I want you to notice what I have just noticed.
ii. I was just expressing myself [thinking out loud].
iii. I want you to take out the rubbish.
iv. I want you to pay attention to me [likely out of awareness].
Some possible clean-ish responses by B:
i. So it is.
ii. [No response.]
iii. When you say ’Oh, the rubbish is piling up’ like that, I hear it as an
instruction for me to take the rubbish out. Is that the case?
iv. I so appreciate the way you notice these things (assuming you do).
When involved in a Clean Conversation use:(Compared to classic Clean Language)
Ordinary tonality
Reduced syntax
Selective repeating back
Less classically clean questions
Less: Where?, Like what?, Come from?
More traditional questions
And what would you like to have happen? = What would you like?
And what happens just before? = What happened before?
And is there anything else about that? = Anything else/Anything more?
More direct
How do you...?
In what way?
More use of tenses (maintaining their timeframe)
More references to yourself
I’d like to know more about...
Tell me about...
In my experience...
More presupposition about the physical world
What time did it happen?
What kind of flour did you use in your bread?
A conversation can be considered
for someone — it has a purpose. Who that someone is will determine the kind of clean conversation required. While conversations have a back-and-forth nature, if we use the conduit metaphor to imagine that information goes from a source to a target, they can also have a direction.
These common purposes/directions occur when the conversation is principally for:
1.
Them, e.g. teaching, giving directions.
From me to them.
Them acquiring a model of my model.
2.
You, e.g. learning, getting directions, information gathering.
From them to me.
Me constructing a model of their model.
3.
Both, e.g. negotiation, exchange of information.
Between me and you.
Us adapting our two models so they are compatible.
4.
Others, e.g. customer requirements passed along to a technology
department; newspaper reporter gathering information for readers;
jointly planning a training; lawyer questioning defendant in front of jury.
From you to me for others.
From me to you for others.
From us for others.
Us constructing a joint model for others.
When conducting a Clean Conversation, you also need to take into account when the relationship is:
Asymmetrical
You or they are in a position of greater authority, responsibility, knowledge, experience.
Symmetrical
You are peers or colleagues.
Symbiotic
It is mutually dependant, e.g. customer and supplier, police interviewer and a cooperative witness.
Combining the Four Purposes/Directions of a Conversation with the Three Kinds of Relationship could result in a 4 x 3 grid with examples of each of the 12 combinations.
Degrees of inference (Developed with Caitlin Walker)
Some loosely defined distinctions are:
Presupposition
|
What needs to be true for a sentence to make sense.
|
| Inherent Logic |
Inferring prototypical properties of an object or process. |
Entailment
|
An effect that logically follows from an event or situation.
|
| Assumption |
A logical inference that requires the inclusion of a piece of information that is beyond the scope of what has been presented.
|
| Fantasy |
Imaginative inference. |
Everyday Clean-ish Facilitation
Follows the direction of the other person’s statements.
Asks about the centre of gravity of the other person’s information.
Is always related to the other person’s desired outcome.
Only attempts to shift the other person’s attention when supported by a clear purpose for doing so.
Being Clean Requires Self-AwarenessA pragmatic way to consider where meaning resides in a communication is to adopt the NLP refrain: ‘The meaning of your communication is the response it elicits.’ Of course this refers to the person listening to what you say, but it also includes your response to your own words.
Because we automatically respond to hearing our self say something, this response can be used as a monitor of cleanness. For many of us a clean communication feels different. For example, while planning this day, James said to Penny:
“Shall we work to a theme or have a menu of items?”.
Penny noticed that she became wary and defensive for no apparent reason. So she said
“I’m having an ‘I don’t want to go there’ response. Is there anything behind your question?”.
When James’ intention was explored it became clear that he was being less than clean. When he restated the question it became:
“I’m in a dilemma deciding whether to work to a theme or have a menu of items. Would you help me out?”
Once this was said he noticed a shift in his body: a slight release of tension in the neck, a relaxation in the stomach, and an opening and uplifting in the chest.
Unknowingly James’ original statement was setting Penny up to give her opinion which James could test against his own match/mismatch signals (the latter being the most likely!). He expected that this would help him decide and therefore get him out of the uncomfortable feeling of being in a dilemma.
As soon as he said the clean version, he not only felt different, he realised there were more than the two alternatives stated and he no longer felt the need to make a decision, but could wait and see what happened as the planning progressed.
As you can probably see from this example, if you are not having Clean Conversations with yourself, this may be an indicator that you are Self Deluding, Deceiving or Denying.
Applications
Using Clean Language in an everyday conversation.
Facilitating using Clean Language in a conversational tonality, e.g. coaching.
Cleaning up a technique, questionnaire, announcement, etc.
Making your position clear (disagreeing, asserting) — cleanly.
Information gathering.
Finding out what people want; customer requirements
Parent-child relationship; teacher-child relationship
Interviewing (police, job, journalist)
Negotiating/Mediating
Clean Training
Clean-ish instructions
Using multiple metaphors to describe/explain models
Incorporating participant’s metaphors
Using metaphor overtly as a teaching/revision aid.
Follow the link for more about
applications of a clean approach.
Recommended reading:
Time to Think by Nancy Kline
The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defence and any other books in this series by Suzette Haden Elgin
Games People Play by Eric Berne as great examples of patterns of unclean communication and ways to respond therapeutically and socially.
Fierce Conversations by Susan Scott
Penny and James have both been UKCP registered neurolinguistic psychotherapists since 1993, supervisors, coaches in business, and certified NLP trainers. They co-authored 
